these broken wings
by patientalien
Summary: Ahsoka watches a tragedy unfold, and is powerless to stop it.  AU of the Clone Wars episode "Friends and Enemies".


**title** these broken wings  
><strong>author<strong> **patientalien**  
><strong>rating<strong> PG-13  
><strong>word count<strong> 4629  
><strong>summary<strong> Ahsoka watches a tragedy unfold, and is powerless to stop it.  
><strong>notes<strong> AU of the Clone Wars episode "Friends and Enemies". Title and cut-text from "Blackbird" by The Beatles, and suggested by my lovely **citizenjess**.  
><strong>WARNING<strong> Major Character Death

* * *

><p>Its name meant "glorious jewel" in Huttese, but there was nothing glorious that Anakin could see in the dusty streets of Nal Hutta. Just misery and desperation and crime and somewhere - <em>somewhere<em>- a Jedi killer. "Stay close to me," he instructed Ahsoka, pulling his hood up and using his cloak to conceal his lightsaber. He didn't want to reveal himself until the last moment, wanted to make Rako Hardeen think he'd gotten away with it. Wanted to see the surprise and terror in the bounty hunter's eyes when the end came. All un-Jedi-like thoughts, and none he would ever voice out loud, but since he'd carried Obi-Wan's body back to the Temple, Anakin hadn't much felt like a Jedi.

He knew better than to say it. Knew better than to admit that without Obi-Wan Kenobi's guiding hand, he was nothing. Padme had tried to placate him, reminding him that Obi-Wan's own Master had been tragically killed and instead of losing himself, Obi-Wan had turned his attention to his Padawan. Except Anakin, as he'd vehemently reminded his wife, was NOT Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan was dead, and Anakin had a mission to complete. He would still do his duty even if Obi-Wan was dead, even if it felt in the deep down dark places in Anakin's gut like he was dying too.

Keeping Ahsoka by his side, he strode down the stinking alleyways of the city, reaching out with the Force, trying to get a grip on the slippery presence he sensed every time he was anywhere near Hardeen. Reaching back to his Padawanship, he'd remembered Obi-Wan's teachings about learning everything he could about his target before engaging, and this time he had. He'd read all he could about Rako Hardeen, about his other crimes, about the other members of the plot to kidnap Palpatine. But he didn't care about any of the others - he'd capture them, of course, as the Council had requested, but he would find a way to make sure Hardeen was not among the survivors. After all, if there was collateral damage from this mission, it wouldn't be Anakin's fault. He was just doing his job, his duty as a Jedi.

Like a snake, that slippery Force-shadow slithered into his consciousness, wrapping itself around his own Force-presence. He stopped short, putting a hand out to keep Ahsoka from moving, and closed his eyes. "There," he said, and tapped the signal into his comlink that would tell Rex to move the 501st into position. Ahsoka's hands strayed to her 'sabers, but Anakin shook his head. "Not yet," he instructed. "Not until I say so." Going in 'sabers blazing would ruin everything - Anakin knew enough to know that. Obi-Wan would have been pleased.

Tugging his hood lower over his face, Anakin slid into the shadows the Force-sense was hiding in, and there they were - Cad Bane, Moralo Eval, and Rako Hardeen. He could take them all out right this moment - with just a thought, he could kill them. But he didn't; no, this was something he was saving for Hardeen specifically. Another tap to his comlink and he could feel the 501st surrounding them. "Now," he murmured to Ahsoka, and she flung off her own cloak, her 'sabers finding their way to her hands effortlessly. The bounty hunters began shooting, but then the clones appeared, and Anakin used the confusion to put himself between Hardeen and the others.

Hardeen's eyes widened as Anakin brandished his 'saber. "This," he growled, "is for Obi-Wan." But instead of the death blow from the blade, Anakin decided to make it a little more personal. He wanted Hardeen to suffer, as Anakin was suffering. He reached out with the Force and _squeezed_, raising Hardeen off the ground with an invisible rope around the despicable man's neck, using the Force to put pressure on the man's body equal to that of being crushed under a boulder. Hardeen gasped, his hands rising to his neck, scrabbling at it. Anakin heard something crack, saw the panic in Hardeen's eyes. It felt good - it felt _so good_.

"Anakin."

The familiar voice came as such a surprise that Anakin lost his grip and Hardeen went crashing to the ground. He knelt beside the bounty hunter, searching the man's face frantically for something he knew wasn't really there.

"Anakin. Don't..." Hardeen coughed, each breath labored - he was dying, the crushing damage Anakin had done to each of his internal organs taking its toll. It wasn't Rako Hardeen's voice anymore, a Coruscanti lilt replacing the rough Outer Rim cadence. And the man's eyes - Anakin hadn't gotten a good look at his eyes before now, and he felt like he'd been punched in the stomach.

He sucked in a breath, bile rising in his throat. "Obi-Wan..." He began shaking his head. No, this couldn't be happening, this couldn't be real. Obi-Wan was dead, Rako Hardeen was dying, it wasn't the other way around.

Hardeen - Obi-Wan, Anakin forced himself to recognize - pressed a hand against Anakin's cheek, and then went slack. The Force-sense disappeared at the same time and Anakin howled in unrepentant pain and fury.

00000

They'd gotten separated during the confusion, and when Ahsoka finally found Anakin again, he was crouched over the very still body of Rako Hardeen. She could feel the Force swirling around him in a maelstrom, but she wasn't sure what he was doing. She took a few tentative steps closer, saw her Master's hands pressed against the bounty hunter's chest. Anakin's eyes were closed, his breathing deep and fast, and suddenly she realized - he was trying to Heal the man. From behind closed eyelids, tears tracked down Anakin's dirty cheeks, and Ahsoka took a few more steps forward. She didn't dare speak, didn't dare interrupt this moment.

"Come on, Obi-Wan," she heard Anakin mutter under his breath as another surge of the Force slammed into Anakin's body like lightning, only to be disbursed through Hardeen's slack limbs. "Come _on_. I'm _sorry_." The effort it was taking Anakin to heal a dead man was beginning to show; blood dripped from one nostril and his face had drained of all color but still he did not stop. Ahsoka wanted to stop him, but she couldn't move. Shaking from the exertion, Anakin held a hand over Hardeen's slack mouth and Ahsoka could see something moving up, up, up, and then Anakin was holding a wicked-looking device in his hand. It took Ahsoka a moment to recognize it as a vocal emulator and in that moment Anakin had crushed the thing and flung it aside. "It's gone now, Obi-Wan," he moaned, "you can be yourself again, you just have to wake up."

Ahsoka's hands flew to her mouth in horror as the truth pummeled her. She sank to her knees, watching as Anakin pounded on the bounty hunter - on Obi-Wan - trying to breathe life back into the man he'd already mourned once. She knew without asking what had happened, that Anakin's anger and grief had overwhelmed him and the man he'd thought was Rako Hardeen had gotten in the way. She knew, too, that Obi-Wan was dead, that nothing Anakin could do, none of his galaxy-shattering powers, could change it, could take back what he'd done. She felt broken because Anakin was broken, she could hear it in his terrible gasping sobs, see it in his continued attempts at life-giving Healing.

It felt like everything around them had frozen. All she could hear was Anakin's wretched breathing, all she could see was his face, terrified and terrifying. Then the galaxy caught up with them and she felt flung back into reality as Rex ran up behind her. "The bounty hunters are in custody," he reported. Ahsoka stood, shakily, resisting the urge to use Rex to lever herself to her feet.

"Thanks, Rex," she said, still staring at her Master, who had gone very, very still, sitting back on his heels, hands on his knees, eyes closed, blood flowing over his lips, a bruise forming under one eye. Even vessels of the Force had their limits.

Rex shifted beside her. "Is the General..."

"He's fine," she snapped, even though she was fully aware Rex knew otherwise. She had to say it, because if she said it enough, it would be true. If she said it enough, to the right people, Anakin would be able to recover from this. She crossed the space between herself and her Master with a few quick steps. "Master," she said softly, putting a hand on his shoulder. "It's time to go."

"I'm not going anywhere," he replied, not opening his eyes.

She swallowed. "We'll bring him with us too," she offered. "I'm so sorry, Master." She felt tears begin to form, and she violently wiped them away.

"You're not the one who killed him," Anakin intoned darkly. "You're not the one who should be sorry." His lip curled, and Ahsoka's stomach dropped. This was unlike anything she'd had to deal with before, and she was afraid she had no idea what to do, or what to say, to make it better. She was worried that there wasn't anything that could possibly fix this, could possibly help Anakin. But if they went back to Coruscant, the Council would make things better, wouldn't they? That was their job, to fix things that went wrong, and Yoda had hundreds of years of experience, and Anakin was the _Chosen One_, that had to mean something. It had to mean that everything would be okay eventually.

"There's nothing left to do here," she told him, and he stood, bringing Obi-Wan's body up with him, holding the man tightly in his arms. He was trembling and Ahsoka was afraid he was going to fall. "Let Rex..."

"NO." Anakin's voice was hoarse and he managed to keep his balance, storming past her to the gunship.

00000

Republic cruisers were equipped with a small but functional morgue, which was where Ahsoka followed Anakin once the gunship docked. He was refusing to accept her help, despite the shaking, despite his stumbling steps, but she followed anyway. She didn't want to let him out of her sight, terrified of what would happen if she did.

He laid Hardeen - no, Obi-Wan - out on one of the cold metal tables and braced himself on the edge, elbows locked, head down. His shoulders shook, though not with sobs. He was spent, exhausted, completely tapped dry, and Ahsoka half-expected him to collapse on the spot now that Obi-Wan was where he needed to be. But once again she could feel Anakin drawing the Force around himself, into himself, and his shaking increased. He laid a hand over Obi-Wan's eyes and drove the Force in, arching his back and moaning in agony.

"Master, stop!" she cried, pulling his hand away. The sensation of pure energy coursing from his body into hers almost made her scream. It was frighteningly painful, a million volts of electricity and the connection to every other living being in the Galaxy. Was this what Anakin felt? Was this what it was like to be the Chosen One? She rethought it; Anakin obviously wasn't used to this either. Sweat poured from him, his nose and eyes leaking blood. He was trying, so hard, to siphon his own life into Obi-Wan, and it was clear he was killing himself to do so. She knew whatever he was trying wouldn't succeed, though, even if he was blind to it. He might end up killing himself, but Obi-Wan would still be dead. And where would that leave her, anyway? It was a selfish thought, but it spurred her to action. "Master, _please_."

He looked down at her, blinking insensibly, like he barely recognized her. "I can bring him back," he croaked. "I brought you back, I can bring him back too. I have to bring him back, I can't..." His breath hitched.

She shook her head. "Master, you've done everything you could," she said softly, reaching out again, carefully this time, to touch his arm. "Please, just... let him go."

The effort it took him was enormous, but he finally let out a long, shaky breath. He looked up at her, bloody tears streaming down his cheeks. She winced, but forced herself not to look away. "Come on," she said, taking his hand. "You need to rest." She wanted to suggest he go to medbay, but she knew what his response to that would be. Even if he didn't get immediate attention from the medics, she could at least take care of him herself until they were back on Coruscant.

Coruscant. She suddenly felt uncertain again as she considered what would happen when they returned to the Temple. What kind of punishment was Anakin going to be walking into, what kind of reaction would he have when they were undoubtedly brought before the Council? Would she still have a Master in a few days' time? She shook her head to dislodge the thoughts, her focus on Anakin in the present.

He wiped his face with his sleeve, leaving streaks of blood in its wake. He took one last look at Obi-Wan's false face, lips parted, moving as though in some genuflection. Another apology, perhaps. "Fine," he said to her, finally, and allowed her to lead him out of the morgue and away.

00000

Ahsoka chewed on her lip as Anakin paced back and forth across the floor of his quarters. He was all nervous energy, unceasing, despite his trembling exhaustion, his weary gauntness. "Master." She tried to stand in his way, but he went around her. She reached out with the Force to try to calm him, but he slammed his shields down so hard it was like a physical pain.

He finally stopped, standing by the wall near the door, shaking his hands at the wrist as if he were getting ready to spar. Instead, he whirled and planted his mechanical fist in the durasteel wall. Ahsoka took a surprised step backwards, but then rushed to his side as he fell to his knees, clutching his hair. A deep moan slid out of his throat and he leaned forward, forehead touching his thighs. She knelt beside him and rubbed his back gently, closing her eyes and trying again to break through his shields. They were still up as tight as ever. "It'll be okay," she said instead, and tried to believe it herself.

00000

He still wouldn't sleep. He moved jerkily, his eyes red and raw, barely able to keep his feet, but he refused to rest. She'd tried everything short of knocking him unconscious, though she wasn't sure she'd be able to accomplish that, either. Instead, she'd comm'd Coric, asking him to bring some sleep aids to her. She didn't specify who they were for, and knew he wouldn't pry. Rex had probably filled him in anyway, and unless their General specifically said otherwise, or was clearly in danger, they would keep their distance. And while Ahsoka knew he was in danger, it wasn't the kind that could be cured by bacta.

"Here," she said once Coric had delivered the capsules (and an extra hypo of the stuff, "Just in case," he'd said, which she'd slid into her belt). Anakin looked down at her outstretched hand and shook his head.

"No," he said firmly, his voice little more than a hoarse whisper.

"You'll feel better if you get some sleep," she pointed out, hoping that, for once, he would see reason. Instead, he scowled at her, using the Force to fling the capsules out of her hand. She wanted to point out he was being childish but held her tongue. She couldn't really judge, she couldn't presume to know the depths of what he was feeling, and all things considered he was being less self-destructive than she'd expected. Still, that didn't take away the fact he hadn't eaten or slept in days. It was everyday-for-Anakin-Skywalker self-destruction, but it was still worrisome. "Master, please."

Anakin just shook his head and went back to pacing. His steps were unsteady, and he kept rubbing his eyes, letting out sharp breaths whenever he was turned away from her. He needed to rest - _she_needed to rest, so she eased the hypo out of her belt and walked up beside him. He was so lost in his own grief that he didn't notice her, or the hypo against his wrist, until she'd depressed the plunger. She frowned at that; his focus was usually absolute, and she'd never been able to sneak up on him before. "Snips?" he asked, looking confused.

"Here," she said, taking his hand and leading him to his bunk. She wasn't sure how strong the sedative was, but she assumed it would be better for him to be laying down when it took effect. To her surprise, he settled onto the bunk without argument. "I'm sorry." She brushed her fingers against his cheek, and he reached up and grabbed her hand.

"I killed him," he slurred. "My Master, my... my Obi-Wan, and I..." He shook his head, closed his eyes. His breathing evened, slowed, his tensed muscles relaxed as he slid into sleep.

00000

Ahsoka hadn't realized she'd fallen asleep until she was woken up a strange noise. She slid her eyes open and looked over at her still-sleeping Master, realizing that the noise was coming from him. She crossed the room and knelt by his bunk, trying to decide if she should wake him up or not. He was clearly having a nightmare, his face scrunched up, tears trailing down his cheeks. He was moaning, and occasionally she could make out a word or two - usually "Obi-Wan" and "No". She frowned, feeling tears welling in her own eyes.

She drew her knees up to her chest and buried her head in her arms, trying not to sob but unable to stop herself. The enormity of what had happened was finally hitting her, now that she had a moment to think. They were still two days out from Coruscant, she had two more days to ensure Anakin took care of himself and then... what? Would he admit to the murder? Would he lash out at the Council? Would he be expelled, sent to the Citadel? Would she be reassigned? The questions slammed against her skull and she struggled to release them into the Force. It was impossible, her doubts and fears snaking around her innards and squeezing until she could hardly breathe.

The thought of being without her Master was more painful than anything she'd ever experienced. He'd trained her, taught her, molded her, made her the Jedi she now was. She'd been so naive, so unpolished, so very _young_ before they were paired together. And now... now she was a warrior. Now she was a Jedi, and he treated her almost as an equal. She was respected, because of the lessons he'd taught her. With a shaky breath, she found herself admitting it - she loved her Master. Whether she was _in_ love with him was murkier; her feelings always felt so jumbled when she went down that path of thought. It was forbidden for her to form attachments, forbidden for him to form attachments. She didn't want to be in love with him, didn't want their relationship to become complicated, she didn't want to feel such horrible pain at the idea of being separated from him. No wonder attachments were forbidden; just the _idea_of giving him up was making her break out in a cold sweat. In love, or just love, it didn't matter.

Anakin rolled onto his side, curling up, drawing his knees to his chest and letting out a soft sob. He was still asleep, his fists clenched in the blanket. Ahsoka took a deep, shakey breath, trying to release her anxieties into the Force, and ran a hand through Anakin's hair. She closed her eyes, opening herself up to the Force, opening the bond that existed between them, sending what she hoped were calming pulses. Anakin whimpered and moaned; if anything, her attempts seemed to be making it worse. She cut off the bond and sighed sharply, frustrated. She didn't know what to do to make this better - or if she even could.

00000

Anakin wasn't furious with her when he awoke, which was something of a surprise. Then again, he likely had much more to worry about. Or, somehow worse, she entertained the idea that he didn't even _care_that she'd drugged him. Well, it didn't really matter if he was angry with her for it anyway; she'd do it again if she had to.

She had a feeling Coric had known what she'd been trying to accomplish, because the dose had kept Anakin out for almost a day and a half. She would have been worried if she hadn't known how badly he needed the sleep and instead was simply grateful they were less than a day from Coruscant.

She was looking forward to being home, and it was so easy to forget _why_they were heading back. That Obi-Wan's body was in the morgue, that Anakin had killed him, that they were heading back into the unknown, her future - and Anakin's - a mystery. Every time she thought about where they were heading, and that she was glad they were almost there, the reality slammed into her and she had a hard time keeping herself calm.

Anakin, too, seemed riddled with anxiety, his pacing and nervous energy increasing the closer they got to the Core. She considered offering to spar, but she wasn't sure she really wanted to. Part of her was still wary of him, still on edge; his rage had been so all-encompassing, and she wasn't sure what he would do with a 'saber in his hand again. That line of thought made her think about the inevitable Council meeting and she felt like she might throw up.

Normally, she and Anakin stood on the bridge whenever they made planetfall, especially when landing on Coruscant. This time, though she could feel the Resolute shudder with the atmospheric re-entry, she and Anakin remained in his quarters. He was clenching and unclenching his fists so hard she could hear the servomotors in his mechno whirring in protest. She swallowed the lump in her throat and finally spoke. "Master, whatever happens, I just want you to know..."

Anakin shook his head. His eyes were raw, empty, his face lined with weariness and anxiety and anger and fear. "Whatever happens, Snips," he echoed, "I'm sorry I failed you." He bowed his head for a long moment, then closed his eyes and sprung up from his bunk like a suddenly-released tension coil. Ahsoka worried her lower lip as she watched him pace, then frowned as the feel of the ship docking and the "all clear" signal sounded. It was time to go. She stood, meeting his gaze. He took a deep breath, swallowed, straightened.

She had almost expected him to be able to put on the mask of General Anakin Skywalker, but he didn't. He simply was forcing himself to put one foot in front of the other, trying to keep from shaking too badly. She wasn't surprised to find Masters Yoda and Windu waiting for them on the landing platform. She was surprised, however, that no words were immediately exchanged. Instead, Windu put a hand on Anakin's shoulder, a gesture Anakin violently shrugged off. He made a low growling noise and stormed away, and Ahsoka found she had to jog to keep up with him.

"What are you going to do?" she asked, though she was a little terrified of the answer.

"I don't know yet," he replied, voice hoarse. He didn't look at her the entire way up to the Council chambers, didn't say anything else, despite her pleading through the bond. "Wait here," he said, putting a hand on her shoulder once they reached the room, just ahead of Windu and Yoda. "Whatever happens..." He swallowed heavily, and followed the Masters into the chamber, leaving Ahsoka alone with her worry.

00000

She would never know what was said. She would never know if the rumors that Anakin threw a punch at Windu, or broke down in tears were true. She had a feeling the truth was somewhere in the middle. She wasn't sure what had guided her back down to the launch bay while she waited; maybe it was the desire to be in a place Anakin loved so dearly, maybe it was an attempt to still her mind by keeping her hands busy. Truly, though, she was waiting for what she knew in the pit of her stomach would happen.

Sure enough, after she'd spent an hour running through katas, he appeared. He was striding purposefully towards his speeder, the spot on his belt that normally held his lightsaber conspicuously empty.

"Master..." Once again, she found herself running to catch up with him. "Master, what happened?" She knew, though.

Anakin stopped short, looked down at her. His eyes were red, his face drawn, but he managed to give her a softly comforting half-smile. "I've decided to..." He cleared his throat. "I've decided to serve the Republic... elsewhere."

Ahsoka felt her eyes fill with tears and blinked violently, trying to stamp down her surging emotions. "Let me come with you," she blurted. She'd never considered the idea of _not_being a Jedi, but if Anakin was leaving, she couldn't very well let him fend for himself in the galaxy. He needed her! Who would watch his back without her?

He knelt in front of her and put his hands on her shoulders. Her lower lip quivered, and he thumbed away a tear that had broken free. "Your destiny lies along a different path than mine," he told her softly. "The Force is strong with you, Ahsoka. Just... always be true to yourself. Never let anyone doubt you. Never doubt _yourself_." He was silent for a moment, and Ahsoka resisted the urge to argue. "It was the will of the Force that brought us together," he continued, "and it's the will of the Force we're parting." To her surprise, it sounded like he truly believed it. "Remember your teachings, Snips. You'll be a great Jedi someday." He reached into a pouch on his belt and pulled out a smooth river stone. Turning it over in his hand thoughtfully, he finally said, "Obi-Wan gave me this a long time ago." He pressed it into her hand. "Don't forget me."

Ahsoka's hand closed around the stone, feeling the Force surge around it, carrying echoes of her Master, of Obi-Wan, and another soft, soothing presence she couldn't identify. Now she let the tears fall freely as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "I could never forget you," she sighed into his shoulder.

He embraced her swiftly, tightly, then held her at arms length. "I'll be around," he informed her. "I just can't stay here."

She nodded, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand as he stood. "May the Force be with you, Master."

He clasped his hands together and bowed to her deeply, reverently. "Master Plo will oversee the rest of your training," he said, voice catching, his facade of detached calm faltering. He got into the speeder and as he began to pull away, she heard, "The Force will be with you, Ahsoka. Always."

She stood in the empty docking bay and watched as he piloted the speeder into the twinkling Coruscant night, away from the Jedi and away from her. "I love you," she whispered into the dark loneliness. "Always."


End file.
